kathy_99's JournalTuesday, November 2, 20048:52AM - I walk a lonely roadCongratulations are in order. Current mood:  lonelyThursday, October 28, 200411:58AM - Do you ever read something that makes you want to puke.Well, I don't intentionally try to read things that will make me sick ... but this morning I read an entry and it was all that I could do not to be phyiscally sick. Current mood:  sickCurrent music: vertigo Sunday, October 3, 200412:51PM - tearsThe tears are running down my face right now. So sad. Current mood: sadCurrent music: U2 Monday, September 27, 200411:24AM - Thinking about youSlapstick Current mood:  contemplativeCurrent music: all the stupid people around me talking giberish Tuesday, September 7, 20043:11PM - words cannot describe how I feel right nowReally, words cannot describe how I feel. I hate this fucking life. I hate it. Saturday, August 28, 200410:36AM - What were you doing sixteen years ago today?Wow. It is hard to believe that sixteen years have already past. How can this be? It seems like only yesterday. On this day sixteen years ago, the day before I became a "MOM" I know that I wasn't thinking that this "MOM" thing was going to start the next day. It's funny you know that you don't think about, really think about, the "MOM" thing until they lay that bundle of joy in your arms. Current mood: contemplativeCurrent music: I am Vindicated Saturday, August 14, 200410:04AM - not another subject line to populateLast night my brother in law called. He couldn't remember my name. What a fucking asshole. I just passed the phone over and chose to move on. Next time he phones, I think that I will just tell him that he has the wrong number. Perhaps he will then call only when he is sure to connect with the one he wants to talk to (which apparently isn't me). What a fucking asshole. Current mood: disappointedCurrent music: none, just the news right now Thursday, July 29, 20048:41AM - words to live byI picked this from another live journal and I thought that this would be a good thing to hold on to. What are your thoughts about this? Current mood:  anxiousSaturday, July 24, 20049:35AM - saturday againi can't believe that july is almost over. where did the month go. it seems like yesterday that allycia left for europe. but it wasn't. i have been able to get alot of things done this month which has been really helpful. will be really busy at work and need to have these things done. i will put back the bedroom today and then we can paint the second closet tomorrow and the room will be completely painted. monday i can put the rest of the things away in the small closet and it will be finally finished. i will be so happy. Current mood:  busySaturday, July 10, 20049:34AM - saturdaygoing to start getting the room ready for phil to start to paint. i have to clean everything out of the closets ... i hope that allycia's room is big enough to everything. Current mood: busyThursday, July 8, 20046:20PM - another entrytoday is thursday and its hard to believe that allycia has her first assignement due today. hope it went well. just finished two days of meetings. very interesting ... but soooooo much work. still to be distracted is good. now have the paint to paint the room and we will probably start on sunday. i hope it will look good!!! nothing much else is happening.. it is supose to be hot this weekend but we will see. so far they haven't been too accurate with the weather. it has mostly rained since the weekend or is being dark and dreary. i guess all the kids are getting settled in what they have chose to do for the summer. letters are starting to come. Current mood:  okayWednesday, June 30, 200411:28AM - 11:28I am all driven out. just got back from driving allycia and her friend alison (from Ireland) to wonderland. both have their swimsuits and it appears to be a beautiful day to catch up on all their gossip. hope they have a good time and go on alot of rides. tomorrow is canada day and here at work today there is a ton of food. i believe that each department is in competition to see who can have the most going on. i am not sure who is winning. i came back in time to have "breakfest" since apparently there is additional food coming for "lunch". still feeling upset and this has affected my sleep (cannot sleep for any length of time). hope it is resolve soon. Current mood:  cynicalTuesday, June 29, 200411:14AM - I need to think of another title ??this is hard to think of a creative title each time you update your journal ... or is it. one could just use the date or the time or the place where the journal is being written. allycia leaves in 5 days. i am going to miss her so much. i think that she has all the things that she need other than a skirt for dinners (we will go buy that soon). so much has been happening my thoughts are confused. there are a few odds and ends that are needed but the most important things are purchased. i now have the emergency numbers as will - i will update the card tonight with the info. Current mood: restlessMonday, June 28, 200411:53AM - monday bloody mondayin less then a week, allycia will be leaving for europe. i will miss her soooooo much. i hope that she will be able to resolve her issues before then?? i am using this as practice to get back into sync with writing. i have not been faithful, but i will try harder. the last week was quite draining and expensive. i can only hope that this trip will be all that it was imaged to be. lots of homework for allycia but she has been faithfully plugging away at it. she even has been in contact with one of the girls from the group! Current mood: sadWednesday, June 9, 20049:06AM - fucking lifei need to blow off steam. i am so ..... today. I hope that i can get over it. i am so upset i can hardly see straight. Current mood:  irritatedTuesday, June 8, 20041:02PM - my life - does anyone want it??sometimes life is just to much for me and i want to run away and live in a dark away place. logic and common sense do not seem to be my friends these days. you try too hard, only to have it thrown back into your face, you wonder how much more you can take without serious harm coming to you. Current mood:  weighted (on my being)Current music: anything that will perk me up - you suggest something Thursday, May 27, 200412:48PM - deep discussionsyou know that hindsight is a wonderful thing if you are able to experience this before your event happens. i continually learn so much from my daughter that i feel that i can grow as a new person each day. she is so insightful and has a good catch on the realities that we live on a day to day basis. one thing that i do wonder about is why we have such deep discussion so late in the day. you know that by 11:00 we are tired and we let our emotions sometimes control our thoughts and words. we were talking last night about a variety of things and as usual i had to process our conversation after i left her. i realized that i had done a poor job of expressing myself (as usual) and really had not communicate to her in a way that i had wanted to. sometimes as i lay awake in bed (last night it was 1:30) i then come up with the words that i wanted to say and wish with all my might that i can take back some of things that i did say. as these years continue, i wonder if i am doing the right thing by her. the experiences that she has and wants to tell me about are so wonderful i think that some of the times that i fail to grasp the true meaning of such. i use the wrong words, or use facial (or body) expressions that are inappropriate or leave the wrong message so many times its no wonder that she thinks that her head will explode. life is tough enough without me fucking things up on top of it. my past experiences seem so far away i am not sure that i am really in the real world or some world that i believed existed so many decades before. as she worries (yes she worries) about where her life will take her, i worry that she worries to much and about to many things all at once. it wears her down and i think sometimes it affects her thought process by bringing in too much information. emotion is such a rollercoaster that sometimes it hard to hold on with both hands. i know that we both will survive this and learn from all that we have experienced together. after school is finished, hopefully she will (and I) will be able to regroup and move forward. the trip to europe will do her a world of good to get out and see how others move about. the opportunity to meet some new friends and expand her horizons will only help her (and hopefully me) grow in the future. Current mood: contemplativeWednesday, May 19, 200410:21AM - day twomade allycia cry hard last night. i felt so bad ... we were talking and i just wanted her to be sure that this is what she really wants. i think that she really torn between yes and no. i don't want her miss anything. i would like to talk to him and resolve this and be friends but she doesn't feel that this is the right thing. young love is hard ... i wonder if he did the right thing. is this really how he wanted things to end? i wonder. Tuesday, May 18, 200410:12AM - Why do I feel this way`Yesterday, there was a breakup. I feel so bad because I am not sure if the parties understand why this has happened. I hope that they can resolve their differences (if that is even the right word) and come together again. I think that being together is the right thing for them to do. why do i fee this way. the art of conversation and communication is a difficult subject to handle and even i have difficulties expressing myself in the right way. i was hoping that this would allow my to get stuff off my chest but i think that i am sadly mistaken. what can i do. what can i say. Thursday, May 6, 2004 |
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